If you realize that you are falling into an abyss of despair - wait to read. First, you need to at least partially relieve the pain. First read the article "How to Get Over the Pain of Cheating?" and follow all the recommendations.
The question is as follows: my husband cheated on me, what to do, how to behave in this situation, is it possible to forgive the betrayal, or if the husband changed everything, you need to throw him in the trash and find a new one, well, or just stay alone, what is the best way to act, communicate with this person or just delete him from life?
When you feel that you have the strength and desire to fight, continue reading this article.
The husband changed what to do - the advice of a psychologist
1) First, it is important to realize that life is moving on.
I can't believe it yet. It seems as if there was some kind of explosion and there are only ruins around. Or time has stopped, life is over. No, life goes on. The clock is ticking, the Earth is spinning, the children are growing.
So, like that frog in a jar of sour cream, you can and should move your paws.
Would you like to be compared to a frog? Perhaps you are right. The frog is the one, the other, because of which everything happened. And now you are like the Sleeping Princess, whom the Evil Chernavka is about to take to the forest to be devoured by the wolves. But now you already know what is really going on and where naivety has led you. No, you won't go further into the wilderness. You will decide for yourself where to lay the path.
2) Secondly, you need to see what options you have.
Should the Sleeping Princess throw a tantrum and call for help some Magic Fairy, or is it better to feel the way out of the ominous forest thicket by touch?
What are your options? You can slam the door and leave. Collect his suitcase and put both husband and suitcase outside the door. You can continue to play the naive princess. Or say that you know everything and do not tolerate a double life, let him choose.
See, there is plenty to choose from! So, perhaps, the situation is now in your hands, and you are already one step ahead of your husband.
The decision depends on your character. But let's imagine that you have a Nordic character. This means that you did not succumb to the first impulse to arrange a tantrum. Or, even if they did, they haven't made any radical decisions yet.
3) So, what to do next, step three.
If your husband doesn't know that you know yet, I wouldn't advise talking about it. Until then, until you understand the situation.
Unfortunately, sometimes a man doesn't have the courage to admit that his marriage is bad for him. He is trying to change his life "for the better", "to snatch at least a piece of happiness." Decides to treason.
Perhaps he does not want to destroy the family. He flatters himself with the illusion that everything will work out by itself. Or the wife will suddenly change and become perfect.
But as soon as the wife reveals the topic of betrayal, the husband realizes that he is disappointed in his illusions, ceases to hope for a miracle and, in a fit of anger, decides to leave. Even if earlier there was an opportunity to correct mistakes and fix everything, now there are practically no chances.
The people call it "freaked out and left."
So act like a strategist - first assess the situation. Your advantage is that you know and he doesn't know that you know. If everyone is already aware of what is happening, just skip this step and move on.
4) Most importantly, several times he was with her and in what places, and why did he need this relationship. We need to figure it out - step 4.
What brought him to this woman?
When you start to plunge into a maelstrom of terrible fantasies about how they and what they did there together - turn on your will, body, do exercises so as not to allow yourself these fantasies. Not now. It's good if you really have a psychologist who will tell you what to do and when. It’s not useful for you to imagine all this.
What has been wrong in your relationship in recent years? You may not have noticed something. We thought that if my husband didn’t complain, then everything was fine. And he just stopped complaining.
5) Ask yourself the main thing - are you ready to part with your husband?
Let it take you a few days to answer this question. Think. Weigh all your options. Even the smallest factors can carry weight. Have you nowhere to go? Only a 90-year-old grandmother in a one-room apartment? And pride does not allow you to go to her? Now there are no rules, and it is not pride that does not allow going to grandmother, but rigidity, inability to be flexible.
It is best that you find ways of escape for yourself. Any. At least to my grandmother, at least to another city in a rented apartment. But the feeling that at least something you can do to change your destiny is already changing the vector of thought.
6) Please remember:
“I have to endure for the sake of the children” is a ridiculous excuse. A child will never say thank you to a mother who sacrificed herself. Because if the mother is a victim, then it turns out that the child is to blame for the fact that the mother was bad for years.
- "I will do something and he will suddenly realize that he loves me, and he will leave her!" - even more naive stupidity. If you have made mistakes for years that led to treason, then only the same systematic correction of mistakes will help, and on the part of both spouses.
“I believe that he will choose me” - faith is good. This is how it should be. But this is not enough.
7) Now let's get down to action.
Of course, it still hurts you. But you don't get hysterical. It's time to talk to your husband. Still, without his participation, all your efforts to preserve the family are in vain.
What should I say? You can admit that in the course - he has another. If it denies, then it's good. Please don't torture. Just say that you want to keep your family together. You are in pain, but you are ready to deal with the pain. If he also wants to keep the family and, perhaps, even improve your relationship with him, then now you must act together. After all, you understand that a man does not change from a good life. So something was wrong.
In principle, these words are enough. Further it will be very difficult to continue the conversation. You can say that: “I can't talk about it anymore. Now I said everything I could. Further, apparently, you must decide how to live. If I continue the conversation now, there will be continuous tears. "
Dear ladies, I beg you! At this very moment, go to people. To a psychologist. Or a friend. Or City Day, after all. Being alone with your pain is self-torture.
8) Further developments are unpredictable. Here are the options:
- The husband decides to stay with you. The process of moving away from his mistress and establishing a new format of communication in the family begins. There are many articles about this: about restoring trust, about new rituals, about the manner of communication. Look at how much you will find in my book.
- The husband is trying to switch to the "guest marriage" mode. This is the worst option. It is hopeless for you. The husband will be fine, and you will remain in eternal anticipation. After all, Russian women are not made for harems.
- The husband goes to his mistress. It hurts, but it's a certainty. Pain can be dealt with. With obscurity, as in the previous version, it is impossible.
Therefore, the most important thing now is to understand where you are going.
9) Now actions can have different goals. But it's important to remember that you are still a woman. Yes Yes! You still have beautiful eyes, or hair, or a figure. Red diploma. Or you are a recognized professional at work. One way or another, the next stage is the search for your resource. Where do you get your strength? As soon as you start to fall into despair - remember this resource. Make yourself happy.
Unfortunately, the format of the article does not allow me to consider all the options for further actions. But you will find I have many other articles, which contain tips and an action plan for a specific situation.
Let's summarize in a few words my psychologist's advice on what to do if my husband has changed.
Most importantly, if you are reading this article, then you feel - you have support. You are not alone. In life, anything happens. Others can do it - and you can do it. And you will be happy with new happiness. Perhaps with the same man, but in a different way.
It is also important that the situation depends on the husband no less than on you. He is as bad as you. Even if it seems that he is just fine. Of course, people are different, everyone has a different conscience. But you have to be a complete villain to enjoy the torment of your own wife. If he is just such a rascal, then it is good if you found out everything in time. In another case, you will wade together through the jungle of mutual understanding.
Last thing. There is a source of your strength somewhere. Search. What will bring you back to life? Will it become your new mainstay? Husband, children, work are values, but they are in the outside world. They can support and lead on. But for sure there is your personal, inner, which will give you the strength to live.